What They're Looking For in You | Kylen Perry

All right, Porch. How are we doing? Are we doing okay tonight? It's good to see y'all. You know, we were talking about this as a team. It's actually a frequent point of conversation. We realize on Tuesday nights, or whatever night it is that you may possibly be streaming this at a later time, you could do anything else, yet you chose to show up here, which, first, leads me to say "Thanks." We're really grateful that you would choose to trust us with your evening.

But also, here's what I want you to know. Maybe this is rhythmic for you. It's habit. You always come to The Porch. You show up with your friends. You sit in the same seats. But maybe this is a new thing for you. Is anybody here for the first time tonight? Welcome. It's great to have you in the space. What you need to know, regardless of whether it's your first time or you're here all the time, is we genuinely believe God knew you'd be here and God has something very specifically in store for you. The question is…Are you willing and ready to receive it?

Are you willing and ready to receive it, Porch? Yeah, man. I think it's going to be awesome. Special shout-out to our Porch.Live locations that are tuning in with us tonight. It's so great to have y'all with us, as always. Special shout-out to Porch.Live Greater Lafayette and Atlanta. We're grateful that you guys are here.

I was thinking about tonight and the topic of dating, which, if you couldn't tell, is where we're going this evening. I couldn't help but be reminded of my first job working in ministry with college students. It was an amazing job. I loved so many different aspects of the job, but easily, the best thing I got to do was I got to work with a group of student team leaders, 20 college guys and girls who were the highest of character and highest of caliber you could imagine.

These were people who not only loved Jesus, which was true, but they served faithfully. They worked really hard, they adhered to our values, and they adopted our mission statement. They could repeat it on command. They met our expectations, and they virtually never caused any kind of problems…that is, until love entered into the equation.

I remember, inevitably, one of the guys would start crushing on one of the girls, violating one of the oldest rules in the ministry, which was no team leader dating. It was not allowed. We'd been down that road before. We had learned our lesson in the past, because love makes people do really dumb things. You know it. You've done something dumb yourself in the name of love. It impairs your judgment. It stirs up your emotions. It unleashes your unpredictability.

I knew this was the case, yet regardless, every single semester, like clockwork, I would always get a text message from one of my guys that said, "Hey, man. Do you think we could meet up and talk sometime?" I knew it. I could call the shot. I knew what they were coming to visit with me about, yet, regardless, I would agree to meet with them. We would sit down, and over a cup of coffee and during our conversation, they would tell me about their unprofessed, undying love for one of the girls on our team, which they knew was not allowed, yet even still, love would lead them to have that conversation.

They would do crazy things. I had one guy come up and beg me, "Please, man. I don't know what to do with these feelings. I want so badly to pursue her." I had another guy who tried to appeal to my logic and reasoning, as if I would be an understanding individual. Another one tried to move around me, not even tell me about it, just kind of swerve and move on the sly toward his target, but we definitely found out what was happening there. I even had one guy bow up to me and tell me, "This is stupid!" I looked at him and said, "Tough luck, brother. This is just the way it is here."

Love has a powerful effect on people. Amen? Again, these were some of the best young leaders I knew. I handpicked them myself. They were consistent, reliable, and self-sacrificing. You could trust them to run a ministry to thousands of college students, and you would also trust them to run your grandma to the grocery store. They were tremendous people, but the minute they caught feelings or love injected into their system, they became completely and totally unpredictable.

You see, love has a powerful and polarizing force. In this room alone, at just the mention of the fact that we're going to talk about dating tonight, there are a dozen different responses across this room altogether. Some of you have shown up here very specifically for this topic. "Finally! They're going to talk about it." Others of you have already leaned over to your friend and said, "Hey, do you want to get out of here? We've heard this thing before. This is a frequent flier for The Porch."

Some of you have approached this evening cautiously optimistic. "Maybe I'll learn something new." Others of you are hopelessly romantic, hoping I will give you the keys to unlocking that secret that will lead you to the love of your life. Some o7f you have been burned, while others of you are trying to stoke a fire tonight. The idea of love sends us all in different directions, but regardless of what direction it sends you in, the truth is we all want it.

I could bore you with the statistics, but if you look across the nation, by and large, young adults want love. They desire romance and relationships. How do you then know which one to choose? If everybody wants a relationship, if everybody is eager and looking for a committed romantic partner, how then do you look across the vast array of people who are wanting for the same thing and know which one you should choose, which person is worthy of your pursuit?

There are so many options out there, so how do you evaluate who you should date? Well, you can't make the right call with the wrong criteria. If you just do a little bit of research (which you don't need to; I've done it for you), what you see is we're often operating under the wrong criteria.

As just one example, Tinder recently reported that young adults named personal growth and happiness as their number-one priority when searching for a romantic partner, which sounds really reasonable and even very good, yet when you hear that the desire for a romantic partner, according to user subscriptions on Tinder, is that they would find personal growth and happiness, you realize people aren't looking so much for a relationship as much as they're looking for a rescuer.

Like, "I'm looking for someone to fill up the vacancies inside of me, to give me that thing I've always wanted for and know I need." What you're doing is putting a pressure on people that they cannot measure up to nor support the weight of, because people aren't meant to be your rescuer; Jesus Christ is. You see, what we find when it comes to dating is we're seeking a partner, but the reason for our seeking is we're really just seeking for ourselves. Do you see it?

Because this is the case, we find ourselves in all sorts of different romantic relationships. Yes, there is the true, traditional relationship model where it's one guy and one girl, and they're sitting at dinner and getting to know each other and asking casual questions, but in our society, what you realize is that's not the norm anymore. You see polyamorous dating where people are really open in a relationship, and they're inviting multiple parties to be a part of the romantic dynamic.

You see that people have friends with benefits where, really, I don't have any romantic interest in you at all, but I'm co-opting you and trading in sexual favors so I can scratch that itch. Others of you are codependent in your friendships because you don't trust the opposite sex. What you want to do instead is you want to find that emotional need met by way of a trusted friend. If you look at our generation across America, what you see is a more diverse and wider array of romantic constructs today than at any other point in human history.

Yet here's the thing. Despite the diversity, there is one commonality as to why we seek these, and it's because we're self-seeking, which isn't loving. Right? That's what Paul says when he writes to the Corinthians in chapter 13. He says, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking…" True love doesn't self-seek.

So, instead of walking in tonight and just talking to you about who it is you should date, I want to flip the script. I want to turn the tables and ask the question…Should someone date you? The reality is to just ask, "Who should I date?" is self-seeking, but to ask, "Am I datable?" is self-searching. So, we're going to do some self-searching tonight. The way we're going to do it is we're going to look at Paul's letter to Timothy in 1 Timothy.

We're going to be in chapter 4, but here's what you need to know. We are going to be all over the place this evening. We have Scripture from across the book. First Timothy 4:12 is a good place to put your finger because it's the verse we're going to anchor in and build our argument from for the rest of the evening, yet we're going to be all over the grid.

This is what it says. First Timothy 4:12: "Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity." Now, admittedly, this is not your normal passage for a dating talk, but it's the perfect passage for an evening of self-evaluation. Paul is looking at young Timothy and saying, "Hey, there is a standard I want you to meet, and that standard is godliness." That standard of godliness is relevant for every area of your life, including your dating life.

So, what does godliness have to do with dating? Great question. Here's the answer: a meaningful connection to God is the source of meaningful connection to other people. If you want to have a meaningful relationship with another person that actually descends to the depths of delight that you can find in romance, then you need a meaningful relationship with God. He's the one who designed it, so learn from him if you want to love at its greatest length.

According to Paul, as he talks about godliness, his idea is that true godliness is reliable enough to trust and desirable enough to follow. This is the main point of the night. Just look at the standard he gives Timothy for how he should live his life. He says, "Set an example." So, what's an example? An example is a standard worth following.

I don't know about you, but when I learned the alphabet at the ripe age of 3, the way I learned the alphabet was by replicating an example. I saw from my teacher a standard I should meet. What needed to be true of that standard? It needed to be reliable enough to trust. When I received that "This is the way an A is supposed to be shaped," I didn't question if it was legit or not; I just believed it was reliable enough to trust, but it was desirable enough to follow. I was willing to actually emulate the pattern I saw before me. "Okay." My little hand just making the A out. I was willing to follow that example.

That's what Paul is saying to Timothy. He's saying, "Live in a way that's reliable to other people, that people will look at you and see someone who's steady and immovable and constant no matter what the shifting sea of circumstance brings in your life. But don't just be reliable. Give an example that's desirable to follow, that people will look at you and be like, 'Man! Look at him go. I want to go that way. I want to live like that.'"

This is what we should do with our lives. We should walk with a kind of godliness that sets an example before people. Why does that matter to dating? Because you want this in dating. You want someone in a dating relationship who is reliable enough to trust. No matter what comes, they're trustworthy. You can depend on them. They're constant. They're immovable. You're not going to wake up one day and they're going to be gone. That's not something you have to worry about, because there's a godliness, a reliability to them.

Also, they're desirable enough to follow. "Man, I see the way you're living your life, the direction you're going in, and I want to go with you. I want to link arms and run into the future together, whether it's for a short while or it's until death do us part." If you want to date, then your life should look like this. It should set a standard worth following. So, how do we know if that's happening or not? How do we assess the quality of your datability?

1. Study your behavior. That's what Paul means when he says, "Set an example in speech and in conduct." When you take those two things, speech and conduct, and pull them together, they encompass all observable human behavior. Emphasis on observable. The reason that's important for us to know is you make your dating decisions based upon what you see and what you hear about somebody. Right? This is important for us.

When my wife and I lived in Houston, we had a Nest security camera. The kind of notifications it would report to me were always on the basis of two things: the sounds it heard and the movements it saw. Now, what is important to know is those notifications could instigate within me a variety of different feelings.

If I got a notification that my Nest camera saw someone pick up my trash can that had blown over, that would instigate a feeling of gratitude. "Thank you." If I got a notification that my Nest camera heard a sound, a crashing blow in the middle of the night, it would leave me panicked. If my Nest Cam notified me that somebody was taking packages off my front porch, that would instigate a feeling of anger. It would give me observations that influenced the feelings I had.

So it is with your behavior as well. The behaviors you demonstrate in life will have an impact upon the people who see them. You will instigate a feeling within your romantic interests depending upon how you speak and how you act. So, what do your behaviors say about you? Do you tear people down with your words? Do you lash out in anger and get defensive when things aren't going your way? Do you have a short fuse and it doesn't take much to set you off?

Proverbs 25:28 would say, "A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls." Nobody wants to be in a relationship like that where there's no safety, no security, where one partner in the dynamic is angry or unpredictable to the point that the walls of the relationship could come crashing down at any given moment. Do you tell half-truths to get out of trouble? Transparency builds trust, but dishonesty breeds division.

Proverbs 12:19 says, "Truthful lips endure forever…" Do you want your relationship to endure forever? Then you need truthful lips. You need to speak the truth. "…but a lying tongue is but for a moment." You see, truth and honesty are vital for long-term relationships. If you can't tell the full truth on something that's small right now, how are they going to be able to trust that you will tell the full truth on something big that happens tomorrow?

Do you flirt frequently? Like, are you emotionally entangling someone else, getting their hopes up with absolutely no expectation of doing anything with that romantic interest? That's not kind; that's confusing. First Corinthians 14:33 says, "For God is not a God of confusion but of peace."

So listen to me. If you're "deep-liking" stuff on their social media or DM'ing them on Instagram or commenting on their posts or sending them pictures or texting them frequently or dressing a certain way to garner their attention… Whatever it is, that's not kind if you don't actually have romantic interest. Do not do it. You're getting someone's hopes up only to drop them in such a hopeless fashion.

What about your actions? Do you say one thing but do another? It's going to be really hard to be reliable in a relationship then. James 1:22 says, "But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves." We want to date people who say what they mean and mean what they say. Right? That's what you want. You want someone who is going to give you their word and then follow through. They're not all intention and no action, because that's not healthy.

Do you choose the hard right over the easy wrong? Are you willing to forgo something you really want for yourself so you can take care of that thing they really need you to do? Proverbs 3:27 says, "Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it." You see, the way someone behaves says a lot about their romantic viability, because the way someone behaves says a lot about their character.

That's what Paul is getting at. He wants us to consider what it means to be people of character. What you need to know about character is that character isn't presented in a moment; it's proven over time. Anyone can turn it on for the first date. Some of you know it. You're like, "Man, we went on that first date, and he was amazing, and then we went out the second time, and oh my gosh! He was a completely different person. I don't know what happened there."

Anyone can play the part when they meet your parents. Anyone could make a really good first impression on your friends, because they know that matters a lot, and they need to get their approval so they can get yours too. Anybody can look good in the initial interaction, but it takes someone of character to have a long-standing reputation that's worthy of writing home about. Anybody can be full of charisma, but what you are looking for, not only in someone else but particularly in yourself, is character. That's what you want.

Think about it like this. When you apply for a job, why does the employer ask you for character references? Because you may go into the interview and have an amazing conversation with them, and your employer may grasp some fraction of your character, but they cannot get a full, comprehensive grasp of your character in that interview. Why? Because it takes time to understand how truly right and worthy of repute someone is.

So they say, "Give me references. Tell me the names and phone numbers of people who can speak to the way you speak, who can inform me of how you listen. Tell me of some people who could actually attest to your behavior. I need to know of people who can speak with greater credibility as to your character. Give me working character references."

Just to bring it into our context, what would your dating references have to say about your character? Just imagine, whether it's a romantic interest you have or a current boyfriend or girlfriend sitting here with you tonight… What if they could call up everyone in your dating history? What would they learn? Would they see a report that marks you with genuine godliness the way we're describing, that, "Man, this is someone who has conducted themselves with high character," or would they see someone who just knows how to play the part?

I know that can feel really indicting. That can feel really convicting. What you also need to know is we don't date people with regard to who they once were; we date people with regard to who they now are in Christ Jesus. So, you are here tonight, and if you feel, "Man, I've done some things. I've been some places. I've seen some things. I'm filled with regret," take hope, brother or sister. God does not regard you in what you've done. He has paid for that in full. He regards you with who you are right now, and we should date people with a similar type of heart.

But it's important for us to consider. If you want to bring your best self to a dating relationship, what does your behavior have to say about you? Be a student of your behavior. Watch yourself like you're watching game tape. I remember when I played football, my coach was a drill sergeant when it came to tape. He would fast-forward and rewind and fast-forward and rewind every missed assignment I had.

It was painfully unbearable to endure, yet the reason he would do it for me wasn't because he hated me. He would do it for me because he wanted to make me better, but not just that…to make all of us better. When you consider your behaviors, you're not just trying to be a better version of yourself; you're trying to be a better version for them as well. That's what you're trying to aim toward.

Here's the thing that's crazy. What does it look like to date people in such a way where when they come into your orbit and interact with you, you leave them better than you found them? There's all this awkwardness and tension around breaking up. Man, there's no awkwardness and tension in breaking up if that person you're breaking up with can actually look at you and say, "Man, I'm so grateful. Even though this is hard, even though I'm sad, I'm grateful that my life intersected with yours, because I'm a better person today than I was at the beginning."

How amazing would it be if their future spouse could look back upon you and say, "I'm grateful they dated you. They're better because of you than they would have been without." Let our behavior be marked with that kind of character, a character that leaves people better than we found them.

2. Examine your beliefs. As Paul is writing to Timothy, who is taking charge of the church at Ephesus, he wants to be clear that a godly example should be marked by love and faith, which makes total sense in the life of a believer, but it begs the question…What does that have to do with dating? Well, let's just take these ideas, love and faith, one at a time. If you study Paul's writings, love is always directed toward the benefit of another person. It's not expressed in serving ourselves; it's always expressed in serving someone else. First Corinthians 13 says this:

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing."

For Paul, love is so significant that the most captivating, brilliant, and generous person in all the world is rendered useless without the proper motivation. What's the proper motivation? Love. I mean, just think about it like this. Who wouldn't sign up for some of what Paul is talking about? Just looking at the verse… Speaking in tongues of men and angels? Yeah, please. I'll take some of that. Prophetic powers to understand all mysteries and knowledge? I mean, if you're offering, Paul, sure. How about faith to move mountains? Yeah, that could help us a little bit around here. I'm in for all of this.

Yet Paul is adamant in the point that as awesome as it all is, it is meaningless if it's not marked by love. What kind of love? The kind of love he talks about is the kind of love that's characteristic of God. It should be an unconditional love, a love that is so binding in its force it could hold a perfect God to an imperfect people. If that kind of love can bind that kind of incompatibility, then that's the kind of love I need for whatever relationship I'm trying to create here on earth. I need the love of God. If it could hold him fast to me, it will hold me fast to someone else.

But here's the thing. We often rely so frequently upon things that are much smaller than this to bind us together. "He's cute. She's nice. I love their family. We have a great time together." We rely on small, flimsy things instead of things that are of strength and substance, like the love of God. I'm not saying that's bad. I hope she is nice. I hope he is cute. I hope your relationship is marked by some of these nice-to-haves, but the need-to-have is the love of God.

Here's the thing. Appearance is a powerful binding force until you begin to age. Success, money, wealth, and power are powerful binding forces for a relationship until you lose your job. Fun? Yeah, that's a powerful binding force for two people to one another until hard times fall upon one or the other. But the love of God? That is the most powerful binding force of all. That's the force that never gives, never fails, and never wavers in any way whatsoever. That's the kind of force you need to bind you to one another.

That's why Paul says this to the church in Corinth in 2 Corinthians, chapter 6: "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?"

God's design is one that wants us to link up with somebody who values the same things in life and has the same vision as they move forward through life. This is a nonnegotiable. I talk to people down front who are believers and are dating nonbelievers, and there's strain and stress already in the relationship. Why is that the case? Because even though you're bound by some kind of force, there's an enduring, indomitable force in the life of the believer that's not there for the nonbeliever.

The reality is they love God and you don't. There's this incompatibility that, though it may work today, is ultimately going to divide in the future. You want to be linked up, equally yoked along somebody who can run so parallel straight with you that there's never divide on the basis of the most important things in life. So, if you're a believer, date believers.

To be frank, this isn't just a nonnegotiable for believers; this is a nonnegotiable for nonbelievers too. If you're here in the room, why would you want to be bound in relationship to someone who's going to be dragging you to church to a building that you don't care the teachings of? Why do you want to be linked up to someone who's going to be guilting you into moral conformity to a set of beliefs you just don't hold? That sounds tough.

Now, let me be very clear. Believers and those who don't believe should be deep, great friends with each other. The Bible is littered with that type of relationship where we're bound to each other in friendship, yet I am saying it's better to be alone with God than lonely with a spouse.

So, why faith? If that's why love matters, why does faith matter? Because the Christian life is not just theoretical; it's practical. It's one thing to say you trust God when things are really good; it's another thing to say you trust God when things are really bad. It's easy to show up here on Tuesday nights and worship alongside all of your friends, but it's another thing to wake up Wednesday morning and worship him all by yourself.

Anybody can walk like a Christian, but not everybody can walk like Christ. Does that make sense? You should have a faith that looks like Christ's. What does Christ's faith toward us look like? He has a love that is deeply convictional for you. It's not just conceptual. It's not just like, "Oh, I know them. I love them." No, it's convictional up to the point of "I would die for them. I would be willing to let all of my raw emotion for them become urgent action for their sake."

We should have the same. Faith should compel us to act in a way that conforms with the love we have for God for the sake of the one we love. If he was willing to lay down his life for the sake of those he loved, then, bound by our own belief, we should do so likewise. That's the kind of relationship we want to be a part of.

3. Inspect your boundaries. According to Paul, we can't set an example worth following without purity. If you've been around the church for any amount of time, the popular narrative around the topic of sex and hookup culture is that it's extremely prevalent within the young adult generation of America, which isn't shocking. We live in a world where 8 of the 10 top songs on the Billboard 100 chart are filled with romantic language and sexual deviancy.

It's not surprising that people can make the leap that this is what we're interested in, yet what's interesting is if you study the sexual trends of the last 5 to 10 years amongst our generation, that perception would be wrong. Jean Twenge, psychology professor at San Diego State University and one of the foremost experts on young adults, has reported that people in their 20s are two and a half times more likely to be abstinent than their parents were at their age.

Now, I know that doesn't represent the entire room here, but it is one startling data set in a bigger conclusion that many researchers are claiming about today. They have ascribed this title as true of your generation: there is a sex recession. So, why the emphasis on purity, then, Paul? Like, if it has never been better, why do we need to worry about it? It sounds like we're doing good. Our parents should take a lesson out of our playbook.

Why, then, are we talking about it? Because although there is perceivably less casual sex, there is just as much committed sex today as there has been in times past. According to Pew Research, 72 percent (so, three out of four) of young adults believe sex is acceptable in a committed relationship. Meaning, although young adults are less inclined to hook up with a stranger, they are equally, if not more, inclined to hook up with somebody they are in a long-standing and committed relationship with.

For a different example, if you survey porn usage since 2020, research shows dramatic increases in overall consumption. I'll spare you more statistics, but here's the bottom line: the sex recession is not a lust recession. It's not. We may not be hooking up or casually engaging with strangers in a sexual way, but the reality of the matter is people are having just as much sex today as they were then. It's just in a different context. People are finding ways to indulge their sexual appetites, as they always have.

A dating relationship in this modern day is one of the leading places that people search for it, because a dating relationship is a place of commitment, and that's where people want to satisfy their sexual appetite. Now, am I saying sex is bad? No. Sex is amazing. God created it. It's wildly powerful, so powerful, in fact, that it's the means through which he has decided to populate the earth. When you engage in a loving, covenantal sexual union with a person, you have the ability to create life. That images God.

Do you see how amazing it is that God, who can create something from nothing, has given you the ability to do the exact same thing? It's an amazing thing, yet what we need to know is while it is amazing, it is so very dangerous outside the confines of marriage. Proverbs 6:32 says, "He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself." First Corinthians 6:18 says, "Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body."

Sexual compromise outside of God's design is dangerous. How so? Because you practice how you play. If you're willing to make compromises sexually this side of marriage, won't you be willing to make compromises sexually on the other side of marriage? A pattern of adultery today is just preparation for adultery tomorrow, and nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone like that.

Now, again, this is not an indictment upon you for the decisions you've made. This is just a call to a better way. This is just an opportunity to look and say, "Hey, go be like Aladdin in the Cave of Wonders." In a sea of tempting jewels ripe for the taking, you take only the lamp. You sweep in and grab that which is most desiring of your focus, which is purity. That's where life and love and joy and deep fulfillment are found.

So, how do we do that? Well, Paul says in Romans, "But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires." That just means don't invite unnecessary temptation into your life. Why would you do that? There is already plenty of temptation out there that is outside of your control, so don't invite it unnecessarily. Start building parameters today instead of provisions for the flesh.

Stop doomscrolling on Instagram. Stop looking at your Explore page, especially if you've not set limits upon the algorithm that determines what populates in that space. Have someone tonight block the person you've been sexting with. Don't do it anymore. Don't leave here this evening without actually taking that step. Find some accountability. Let people know where you go and where you're tempted.

Set boundaries early, honor them always, and revisit them frequently. I'll say that again. Set boundaries early, honor them always, and revisit them frequently, because you will find areas within your defense where there is some gap that needs filling. Be vigilant. Keep fighting the good fight, for Christ has fought the good fight for you. Now you do the same.

Listen. This is just for free. When you get into a relationship… I love what J.D. Greear once said, some parameters for you to set up. If you don't have parameters tonight and you're in a dating relationship, here are your parameters. You should write these down. Nothing in the dark, nothing below the chin, nothing horizontal, and nothing lasting longer than five seconds. You laugh because you know it'll work. Nothing in the dark, nothing below the chin, nothing horizontal, and nothing lasting longer than five seconds.

Be self-controlled, that most odd gift of the Spirit that lies at the end of the list. Have you all ever wondered how unique that is? Like, the fruit of the Spirit… Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness… These all make sense. Then you get to self-control. It's like, "What is going on with that? That is so outside the realm of the rest of these." Yet here's why self-control is so meaningful. It's that fruit of the Spirit which distinctly sets us apart from the rest of the created order.

No other creature can exercise self-control. If you put a bowl of food out, your dog will come running to it because they're hungry, but you and I can choose to fast an entire day long if we so choose. God has given you a sense of agency, a sense of control, that you might subdue your flesh, that you might become the master of yourself, that you might look like him.

Second Timothy 2:22 says, "So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." I love this. Paul is penning his final letter to Timothy, and he tells him, "Yes, flee youthful passions," but it's not just that. It's not just a command to "Pull yourself together." Like, "Be strong, Timothy. Wage war." It's not just a command to fight off sin; it's also a call to pursue God and the kind of life he has invited you into.

You've not just been set free from sin; you have been set free to new life. Jesus so often is misunderstood as the guy who sweeps in, saves you from your sin, and lets you go along your merry way, yet that's just not the case. He's not just Savior. He didn't just show up to save you, clean you up, and then get you back out there, kid. That's not his heart. The heart of Jesus is one that says, "Yes, I will save you from your sin, and I will lead you into better life, into life like you've never known, life like you couldn't dare dream."

Do you want that? What if the worst day of your life was always the day behind you and the best days were forever and always forward? That is the invitation of the cross. He says, "Flee youthful lusts and passions. Set aside the things of the world and pursue righteousness. I gave my life to give it to you, to rightly unite you and put you before the Father. Pursue my righteousness. Put feet to your faith. Experience my love. Enjoy my peace. This is what I'm affording you."

The reason I love this so much is because in a talk like this… As I was writing it, I felt this trepidation. It can feel like the pressure of perfection can weigh so heavily on an evening like this. Like, "Hey, here's everything you're not doing." The reason I love this is it tells us the goal isn't perfection; the goal is pursuit. That's it. The goal is to pursue the one who pursued you, to walk in the way he walked for you, to enjoy the life he gave for you.

We pursue not perfection, but we pursue the only perfect one who would pursue an imperfect people, we pursue the only lovely one who would pursue such an unlovely people, and we pursue the only worthy one who would pursue an unworthy people. Jesus' behavior was perfect when ours was not. He lived the life you could not. You could not meet the standard God had set for you, yet he saw you and me in our disarray and said, "I'll live it for you. I'll be perfect on your behalf."

His belief in what God was doing in the world, the kind of redemption he was trying to afford us all, the kind of rescue he had written at the beginning of time and was bringing into fruition… Jesus believed and prevailed in the face of our disbelief. He was pure, purging us from all our impurity, the stain of sin, which had grown so deep we thought we'd never be cleansed. He laid down his life. He broke his own body. He spilled forth his blood to say, "I will clean it. I'll save you. You just have to believe in me." That's the invitation on the table.

All you have to do tonight, brother, sister, is place your faith in him, and you can be forgiven. Before you consider pursuing anyone else, first consider the one who pursued you. Before you worry about a standard you should reach, think about the standard you could not but the one who could reach it for you. Let me pray for us.

Father, we love you. I'm so grateful for this evening, God. I know this can be a heavy topic, that self-evaluation can be really exposing, so, God, I just pray for my friends here. There are some here tonight, God, who have been exposed, who have done things, seen things, and been places, yet they want to change tonight. They do. I pray they would know that change is possible with you, that it can happen right now if only they would ask you, God.

Others are here, and they feel exposed, but they don't feel some sense of conviction. They see in themselves and in their relationship, "Man, we're moving toward marriage. That's okay. We're playing husband and wife already. That gives us a pass, free license to run on all of these things the way we wish." That's just not the case. I pray, God, that these friends would know they're cutting the legs out from the joy you would give them.

Then, Father, there are some here tonight who realize, "Man, I'm not ready for a dating relationship, but I am ready for a relationship with the one my soul has so eternally longed for." I pray, God, that they would place their faith in you and walk with you into the future you have. We love you. It's in Jesus' name we pray, amen.