The Marriage Talk | Kylen & Brooke Perry

Kylen Perry: Porch, how are we doing tonight? Are you doing okay? It's great to be with you. Thanks so much for making the time to join us here. Whether it's your first time or it has been a long time, we're always grateful you would make time to be here, not just those of you who are here in the room, but also those of you who are tuning in live right now or are going to watch this later on. Thanks for trusting us with your evening.

Special shout-out to our Porch.Live locations. Can we give a shout-out to Porch.Live? Porch.Live Des Moines, Boise, and Indy, we're so grateful you guys are onboard with us this evening. We've been journeying through a series called The Relationship Series. Maybe you've heard of it. We're now making our way into the third week. Last week, we talked about dating.

What you need to know about dating is that dating is not aimless. Dating is very intentional. It's not just the tendency to sail in circles on that great sea of romance that we all so badly want to be a part of. No, it's journeying to an eventual destination known as marriage. So, that's what we're going to talk about tonight. That's what I want to visit with you about, but in order to do it, I thought it would be helpful for me to get a little assistance. So, Porch, for the very first time, I'd like to introduce to you my wife Brooke Perry. There she is, ladies and gentlemen.

Hold on. This is very important. We have a very special announcement to make. The Porch family is growing, because we're pregnant. Yeah! Let's go! You can celebrate with us. You can also pray alongside us. This whole parenting thing is something we are anxiously, eagerly going to figure out, because come November 12, we are welcoming a baby boy into the world. Stay tuned. It's going to be awesome.

I'm really excited for tonight. I'm really glad Brooke is here with me. She truly is my better half. Gentlemen, you need to find a better half, because if you're the best side of your marriage, then we are all in trouble. You have to find somebody who's going to help you out along the way. Brooke is that for me. So, I'll just let you tell them a little bit about yourself. Is that okay? We'll start there, and then you can tell them about us too.

Brooke Perry: Okay. Sounds good. Hey, guys. Hey, Porch. Good to be here. Like Kylen said, my name is Brooke. I think he has said this from stage too. I'm from the Dallas area. You Dallasites in the room, I'm from Plano, so not actually Dallas. I grew up in Plano my whole life, so coming home here to Dallas has been so fun. It's like family. We have aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, everybody here in the DFW metroplex, so we've loved coming home. We moved here, obviously, at the beginning of this year.

I went to college at A&M. I have a couple of Aggie things, and then we'll move on. I'm sorry ahead of time. I actually work at A&M still. I work in branding and marketing for the Aggies. Last one, and then we can move on. Kylen and I met at A&M. That's it. The Aggie things are over. We met in my freshman year when he was a graduating senior and dated for that whole time.

Kylen: What was that reaction? Okay. We're going to have to talk about that later. Clearly, there's some judgment here. I'm in a vulnerable spot. She's outing me in front of you all. You're going to act like that. Just hold on. I've got something for you.

Brooke: I like to say you saw what you wanted and you just kind of said…

Kylen: This is true. I was patient, and I was pure and full of great purpose.

Brooke: Okay. I'll redeem you. We dated all through college, my college at least. He was graduated.

Kylen: Can you take me out? Can I come down there? She can do this on her own. Get me off.

Brooke: We dated through college. He was working in the College Station area and went to more than 12 date parties, as a young professional, in the area with me to the point where, when I was a graduating senior in college, he had gray hair on the side of his head and was still coming to date parties with me.

Kylen: Stick to the script, man. We're off in some place that…

Brooke: I like to think that was really sweet that you did that and endured that and let me have my college experience.

Kylen: I was older than some of the bouncers at these things.

Brooke: They laughed at him when they saw his ID. Okay. Moving on. We got married in 2017, lived in College Station for a few years, and moved to Houston at the beginning of 2021 with Snowmageddon, if y'all remember that. That was our introduction to Houston. Then we moved to Dallas at the beginning of this year, the promised land.

The great part of being here… Yes, it's about the family I have (and you have, actually) in the Metroplex, but also about Watermark. I didn't grow up going to this church, but this has felt so much like home. We love going to church on Sunday. We love going to The Porch on Tuesday. We've loved getting to know you guys. These people have felt like family so much.

Lastly, a little bit about ourselves. Personality-wise, socially, like if you talk to us in a conversation, we're very similar. Everything else about us is, honestly, the polar opposite. Socially, we like to talk the same way. We're both introverted extroverts, but everything else is truly just the opposite.

I tell you that because we have learned so much over three and a half years dating, almost seven years being married now, so, a decade of doing life together. We have gone through hard stuff together and good experiences. We've learned a lot about what the Bible has to say about marriage. So, my hope is that all that combined is a really great service to you tonight.

Kylen: Okay. Let's get into the weeds of this thing. Why would we teach marriage to a room predominately composed of singles? Why do you even care about this thing? This feels like a really nonstrategic move for us. Well, here's why. Tonight is about so much more than how you're going to relate to your spouse one day. Tonight is about how you relate to God right now. This talk is very specifically purposed for the single adults in the room.

Here's what's fascinating. If you survey the nation, single adulthood is a time of life where, within our generation, we most look forward to it. It's a chance to focus on yourself and figure out what your priorities are and follow your heart and find your friends and forge your future. That's what your single adult years are typically and predominately considered as useful for. It's also why the average age of first marriage has gotten older. It's at a point today that it's older than at any other point in human history.

It's the chapter of life where the fruit of singleness is best found but the rot of selfishness is most possible. Why is that? Because at this point in your life, in this chapter for you, you're expected to look out for you. Numero uno, baby. You're supposed to only pay attention to what works well for you, which is an idea that the Bible has no acquaintance with whatsoever when it comes to the topic of love. First Corinthians 13:4-7 says:

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

In just four verses, Paul gives 11 different descriptors of what love actually is, and what you see is it's not self-seeking; it's very others-seeking. The love Paul describes here is something we've talked about before. It's this idea of agape, which was really unique in the early church, because it was essentially nonexistent by that point in history. In ancient Greek culture, these ideas of selflessness, sacrifice, and self-giving were disdained. They were considered weak qualities that one would not want to ascribe as true of them.

Here's the thing. While we don't openly disdain selfless love, we do quietly dismiss it. Just think about it. Online dating is the pursuit of a romantic interest solely on the basis of my self-selection. Now, I'm not decrying online dating, but it does begin with a self-interest. Do you see it? I swipe right or swipe left depending upon how cute you are and how witty you are. Do you appeal to me?

The other end of the spectrum is ghosting. It's the idea that I'm going to terminate my romantic interest on the basis of my self-interest. "I'm going to do what's best for me, because a hard conversation is an awkward conversation. I don't really want to do anything with that, so I'm just going to fade into the dark. They'll never hear from me again. They will be quite all right." That is why we have a poor understanding of selfless love and, to our first point, marriage is often so very messy.

You see, selfless love is hard. It's inconvenient. It's even frustrating, but in the confines of marriage, selfless love helps this thing to be less messy. It allows you to move from a self-focused perspective to a spouse-focused perspective. The reason this is relevant for all of us is this kind of love is not just reserved for marriage. You don't just wait to practice it until the day you're there. You begin practicing it right here and now. You begin to engage with other people on the basis of a selfless love.

So, take 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Stack yourself against that list. "Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast." How well do you stack up against that list? I'm not a betting man, but none of us are passing that test with flying colors. No one is…except for one man whose name was Jesus. Jesus was perfect in love. So, as we walk with Christ, we are perfected in his love.

Brooke: I just want to start out with my end goal here. My hope for the night when you leave is that you have a right understanding and anticipation of what marriage really is, what its true purpose is. So, I just want to ask the question…What's the purpose? Why marriage? I know there's a cookie-cutter Bible answer here that you could throw at me if you raised your hand and I called on you. Throw that out for me and honestly think to yourself in the privacy of your seat in your heart. Think about yourself getting married.

What does that mean to you? What does that represent to you? Is it this guaranteed companionship? Maybe it's freedom from loneliness. Maybe it's this culmination of your pursuit of happiness. That was me before I got married. Or maybe it's this solution to your problems, this mentality of, "Man, if I just get married, my problems are going to be solved. They're all going to be fixed." Or I just have somebody to help me solve my problems. I get married, and now I have somebody to help me figure out all the stuff in my life.

Kylen: That definitely did not happen.

Brooke: I just want to speak to the single women in the room for a second. Men, don't tune me out because this might apply to you too. We've been doing young adult ministry for about four years now, and I've had so many conversations with you guys about the idea of marriage. That is usually the biggest topic that comes up. Whether you admit it or not, I think a lot of us in this room want for that, and that is a good thing.

Marriage was instituted by God. It's a good thing to want. But it's this struggle of the "now and not yet." A lot of you in this room might feel like, "Man, I've put myself in every good situation. I have a job. I'm working hard. I go to church on Sunday. I'm at The Porch on Tuesday. I'm in a Community Group. I'm trying to be nice to my family. I'm good with my friends. I'm asking the Lord, 'God, would you give me this relationship?' and the timing is just not working out."

I wish I could look at you and just be honest with each one of you and have an individual conversation, but for the sake of time, we're just going to tell it to everybody. Deeper than this, deeper than the desire for marriage, is a problem of contentment. I wish we could go to coffee, literally, every single one of us, and I could sit across the table from you, being the person who's on the greener side who has gotten married, and look you in the eyes, raise my hand in honesty, and tell you that marriage is not going to solve your contentment problem.

This might be the first season you're in that is that waiting period. Or maybe not. I don't know what your story is, but this might be the first time you've experienced that tension of trying to do all of the right things and feeling like the timing is not lining up with God, but it will not be your last. Welcome to the trial of faith. Welcome to life this side of eternity. That is what it's like to war through and wrestle with trusting the Lord with your life and being in surrender to him. I can say, in all honesty, I've struggled more with discontentment on this side of marriage than I ever did on the other.

Kylen: I approved that message.

Brooke: Not with him.

Kylen: I approved that one. I knew that one was coming.

Brooke: That was not a joke. Not with him, but other things. The discontentment struggle continues on. If it's not marriage, it's going to be something else. Paul says in Philippians 4:11-12, "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need."

For all of you Bible Belters in the room, Philippians 4:13 comes next: "I can do all things through [Christ] who strengthens me." Obviously, that verse "all things through Christ who strengthens me" is not talking about the strength to move mountains. No, it's talking about the strength for contentment. It's the secret of contentment. Paul says, "I learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need." It's Christ who gives him the strength to do that.

So, I just want to encourage you today. If this is resonating with you at all, if you've talked to someone about this, or if you've never even confessed that, just identify it as discontentment. Don't let this nagging itch keep scratching at you and think marriage is going to solve it. That's discontentment, and God wants you to live a way fuller life than anticipating marriage is going to solve that problem. If that is you, I would just encourage you. My anthem for going through times of discontentment has been Psalm 63:3-8. I'll read it to you now. I would encourage you to memorize this.

"Because your steadfast love is better than life [better than anything else], my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."

So, if marriage is not just a solution to your contentment problem, then what is it? What is it for? The last verse I'll leave you with tonight, for this section at least, is 1 Thessalonians 4:3. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification…" I just want you to think about the general accepted idea that everyone in this room is a sinner, that we are all depraved, that we all need Jesus to save us. If you disagree with that, come talk to somebody afterward, but hopefully that's a commonly accepted term here.

Then I want you to think about taking two sinners, putting them in a covenant together, and telling them, "One hundred percent of the time, you're supposed to put the other person's needs in front of your own." Do you think that solves more problems or creates more problems? Honestly, it creates more. I'm not going to lie to you. Marriage is messy. If you think you're being sanctified as a single person, just wait until you get married. You will literally discover an entire new world of your sin that you did not know existed. Literally, there are sinful habits I did not know were there until Kylen helped me see them. Thank you.

Kylen: My pleasure.

Brooke: I know talking about sanctification like this might sound scary, but it's good. I just read 1 Thessalonians. It's the will of God that we're supposed to be holy. It is a really good thing, when you have eternity in mind, that we are being sanctified by each other. To illustrate this point that marriage is messy, I've rounded up Kylen and Brooke's top five most ridiculous fights.

If you would like to know the topics of them, I've ordered them in order of least ridiculous to most. Here they are: picture frame, laundry, GPS, golf, and a baked potato. We have literally fought about a potato. These aren't just tiffs we've had. Literally fights. We've had fights about these things, and the sun has come up with us still angry.

Kylen: Yeah, knock-down, drag-outs, man, over baked potatoes or "We're lost. Why did you tell me to go left in this moment?" It's in the past.

Brooke: The reason I tell you that is we are sinners just as much as everybody else in the room, and when you put two sinners together in a covenant, it is literally like a sanctification boot camp. God intends for you to take all of your expectations and all of your habits, and he intends to use your spouse to work out all of the knots in your holiness. Marriage is literally just another tool, another mechanism, God uses to make you more holy. Gary Thomas, who wrote Sacred Marriage, says it really well. He says marriage is less about your happiness and more about your holiness.

Kylen: Listen. Marriage is less about your happiness and more about your holiness. We pray you would really know that. I'm not saying that because I want your marriage to be miserable. I hope the two of you make each other wildly happy, yet what you need to know is marriage is not going to be picture perfect. You're not going to find somebody who just completes you and makes you feel all of the deep joys you knew you would one day feel. That's not what it's meant for. It's meant to sanctify you. It's meant to make you more like Jesus.

That's why, for so many of you who are here tonight who have been waiting for the right person to come along and are unwilling to make a commitment because you think someone better is going to show up… I'm not telling you to lower your standards. We talked about what your standards should be last week. You can go reference that if you haven't heard it yet.

But assuming someone is meeting a standard of true godliness and there is vibrant chemistry and great commitment to Christ and a fidelity to faith… As long as those things are there… Listen. They're a sinner. You're a sinner. Holiness is the aim, and because you are imperfect, you will aid each other in that pursuit.

Marriage is not about your self-advancement. "What they can do for me, how happy they make me, all the love that boils up inside." That's not what it's about. It's about self-sacrifice. That's what marriage is all about. It's the laying down of my life and the lifting up of another person's life, which is exactly what Christ Jesus has done for us.

Brooke: That's right. It's what Paul describes in his letter to the Ephesians. I'll read (we'll kind of tag-team) Ephesians 5:22-24. "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands."

Kylen: "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body."

Brooke: So, what is Paul getting at in all of this? This is our second point: marriage is a metaphor. I just want to encourage you. As we just read this… My natural tendency when I read this for the first time is to look directly at my gender's instruction. So, what does it say about wives, women? Men, you might be doing the same thing.

I want to challenge you to remove that lens for a second and to look at this passage again. Do you notice that in almost every verse we just read for you God talks about himself? More than gender roles and identity, the point of this passage, what Paul is trying to say, is that marriage is talking about God. It says some things about God.

We're talking about relationships in this series, all types of relationships here on earth, how we relate to each other, what the Bible has to say about them. There is a husband-and-wife relationship in marriage, but the first relationship marriage is illustrating is actually a relationship between God and his church. How cool is it that Paul is talking about this, that God designed it that way, that he designed marriage to be this metaphor.

So, let's talk about metaphors, for example. I'll bring you back to fifth-grade English for a second. What's a metaphor? It's an object, activity, or idea that's used as a symbol for something else. So, if I said, "Love is difficult" versus "Love is a battlefield" or if I said, "Kylen makes me happy" versus "Kylen is the light of my life." (It's just an illustration, babe.)

Kylen: This is not just for stage appeal. This is it at home. I just get ripped. God knew I would need a strong woman.

Brooke: My point in this example is the fact that these metaphors… Which one hits home more for you? Which one really illustrates the point? It's the metaphors. They bring these concepts to life. So, too, are our marriages. They're meant to add color and life and deeper meaning to illustrating God's love for his people. That's the whole point. Ephesians 5, what we just read, is so much more than our individual roles as a man and a woman. It is, first and foremost, an illustration of God and his church.

So, if you want a biblical marriage, it shouldn't look black and white to the outside world. It should colorfully display to a watching world that the love of God exists. Practically speaking here… Like, if nonbelievers interact with you as husband and wife one day…they come over to your house…practically speaking, they should leave that interaction with you and your marriage and your home touched and perplexed that the love of God exists. That's what that looks like in real life.

This whole idea that marriage is a metaphor… It's not just a metaphor to the watching world externally; it's a metaphor internally behind closed doors when no one is watching. I think this is the most convicting part for me. In the privacy of our home, my conduct to myself and my husband should demonstrate the relationship between God and his people.

Kylen: It's not just that. It's not just that this sort of submission a wife shows her husband dwells only and always within the realm of that relationship, because if you look at what Paul says earlier in Ephesians, chapter 5, we see that this sort of mutual submission is characteristic across relationships in God's family.

Look at Ephesians 5:1-2. "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." If you jump down to verse 21 it says, "…submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." Our submission is a response to the fact that Christ has submitted himself for our sake. We do this because we want to imitate what God has done himself.

That word submit in the Greek literally means to be under in rank or regard. So, before you consider any relationship in your life, that you're a husband or a wife or a boss or a subordinate or, as Paul would put it, a master… Whatever the role is that you would consider, before you look at the role, what you need to first realize is you're a servant. That's it. That's ground zero for all of us. Submission is the standard in God's family.

Brooke: That's right. I want to unpack that last statement we just read in 5:21. It says, "…out of reverence for Christ." That statement right there introduces a theme for all of the submission passages that follow in Ephesians, and I'll read some of them for you now. You have 5:22, which we'll talk about. "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord." Jumping ahead to 6:1: "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." Ephesians 6:5: "Bondservants, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ…"

If you notice, all of those Christ-centered statements that are in each of those verses I read… It makes it clear that our participation in God's order and how he has established authority on earth is completely about him. First and foremost, it's not about respect for God's law or respect for those in authority, even though those things are well and good. The foundation of submission here is literally about God himself. It's about part of a bigger picture of honoring his design.

So, we read this not thinking about ourselves as individuals but as part of a unit, like, falling into the order of God's design, the way he has instituted authority in his design for humanity on earth. When you have that perspective, when you're reading these verses with that perspective…you're not looking at yourself as an individual, but you're literally looking and aiming at God's ambition, God's design…it's kind of hard to be offended by his instruction. It's not about us; it's about him.

With that foundation, that perspective in mind, we'll read Ephesians 5:22 again, and Kylen and I both are going to unpack this together. "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord." Before we go any farther, I just want to clarify who this isn't talking to. This is not a blanket statement that all women should submit to all men. Girlfriends in the room, it's not for you either. You shouldn't be submitting to your boyfriends yet. This is for wives and husbands.

Even though honoring your husband is really good, there's an even bigger reason we do it. It is literally an act of surrender to the Lord. It's not about talents and abilities of husbands and husbands being stronger and women being weaker. It's not about those things. It is literally about trusting and honoring God's appointed order for his glory.

It is also about honoring our husbands. Proverbs 12:4 says, "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones." Kylen and I have talked about this for a few years now. I think there's this question in the hearts of most men. It's "Do I have what it takes?"

Women in the room, I'll just speak to you one more time. I didn't realize this, but your words have so much power. Not even in the confines of a husband/wife relationship, but with guys, like, your guy friends, brothers, or whatever it looks like. Your words carry a lot of weight. In the confines of marriage, you have the power to put wind in his sails, and you have the power to make him feel like the smallest man in the room based off of how you use your tongue. By submitting to your husband, doing that act in word or deed, you're telling him, "I believe in you. I see you. You are capable, and you have what it takes."

Kylen: I'll just interject, as a man in the room, with respect to this idea that words carry great power, that submission can actually be wind into the sails for the masculine heart. This kind of submission makes a massive difference, yet what you need to understand is what submission is not, because if you look across our world, some pretty awful things have been perpetuated in the name of submission.

I remember Ben Stuart when he was talking about this. He taught on this subject. He said that submission is not subjugation. It's not the forceful act of dominance or imposing one person's will over another person. That's not what it is. And submission is not servitude, that I'm enslaved to someone more powerful than me, that I answer his every beck and call. That's not what submission is.

I would actually add to Ben's list. I would add a couple more things. I would say submission is not suppression. As you submit to your husband, ladies, it should not lead to a diminished or diluted version of yourself in any way, shape, or form. You should be flourishing alongside him. You should be exploding with life. You should find that you're better with him than you are apart. Yet, too often, we see that women will suppress themselves out of submission to their husbands.

Lastly, submission is not supervision. He does not control you. You're not under his management. You're not under his surveillance. I know of couples in times past, from doing the work of ministry, where the man has accessed their girlfriend's bank account and by Life360 can track their location wherever they are and are a part of medical decisions. He's not your supervisor. That's what Brooke is saying. You, as a girlfriend in the room to a guy, can exercise serving and loving and selflessly giving for his sake, but you do not answer him as leader, because he's not that yet.

There are brothers and sisters. There are husbands and wives. If you're not yet married, you fall into the former. The wife does not have a diminished value. Hear me. She has a distinct voice. Genesis 2 is this beautiful picture of what it looks like for the woman to be made. It says she's taken from the man's side, which suggests equality, yet it says she's opposite of him, which suggests complementarity. As I look at Brooke, I think of the words of Justin Timberlake.

It's like you're my mirror,

My mirror's staring back at me (oh),

I couldn't get any bigger

With anyone else beside me.

A man is only as strong as the woman staring back at him, because any differences in your design actually make you better. Her submission to her husband is merely an extension of her submission to the Lord. Back to you.

Brooke: Kylen and I did personal and traditional vows at our wedding, and I want to read you a portion of my personal vows because it has to do with this topic. I say, "I vow to trust God fully with my life and my future so that, in turn, I might freely submit to you (Kylen) as my husband and leader." That was part of my personal vows.

This was a really sobering moment for me as I was sitting at the altar, looking at Kylen. TA was officiating us, so he was right there too. We were in front of our family and friends. This idea, what I just read to you about submitting my life, my future, to God so I might freely submit to Kylen… The idea of that, at its core, is a spiritual submission of surrendering my life at a deeper level to Christ than I had before. More so than before as a single person, in marriage I was now submitting to the Lord at a deeper level.

I was looking at another broken person and submitting to him because I trusted my life and his to God. That's what I was saying to Kylen when I said that. I got to put this into practice pretty quickly when we got married. So, a little backstory on Kylen and me dating. As you know, he's in ministry now. He wasn't always. We met at A&M. We met in the business school. Kylen had business aspirations before he came into ministry. He wanted to be an accountant before.

Kylen: That didn't work out. We've talked about this before. Math and I don't mix.

Brooke: All through our dating life, though, we talked about this idea of him warring through this call to go into ministry, feeling like God was calling him to teach and preach but not knowing when that time to jump into ministry would come. That was a really sweet part of our dating experience.

Fast-forward into as we're getting married. Around that same time, Kylen gets this offer for the jump into ministry. He gets an opportunity. At the same time, I have this offer that I'm really excited about, kind of like my dream career direction in Dallas. Obviously, I watched him war and pray through this through college, and then when this opportunity specifically came, I watched him constantly seek the Lord on "Is this the right time? Is this from the Spirit? Is this where we should lead our family?"

I can genuinely say that when he decided this was from the Spirit, this was the right call, this was what we should do…we should stay in College Station and pursue this job…it was the easiest decision I've ever made to leave the opportunity in Dallas and follow him and do this thing in College Station. Let me be very passionately clear with you. There are two big reasons this was not an easy decision.

First, it was not easy because College Station is this bustling city for young adults. That's where all of the people go whenever you graduate. I think, at the time, when we lived there (it has gotten better now), there were probably 10 other young adults in the city with us. It also wasn't easy, even more passionately, because I am this sweet, shy, sensitive wife who has no dreams of her own and is just content to follow her husband wherever he may go. If you know me… And y'all don't. You're just going to have to take my word for it.

Kylen: Take my word for it.

Brooke: And Kylen's word.

Kylen: She's strong.

Brooke: That's just so far from me. I am not that personality type at all. I like to lead. I like to pursue a career. All of those things are true. It was easy because, like I just read in my vows, as I had surrendered my life to God and trusted him fully with all of it, Kylen was doing the same. In the God-appointed order of our marriage, the way God designed it, I was able to submit to his own Spirit-led convictions because I had already surrendered my own life to God.

This was seven years ago to date. Around this month was when we were deliberating this seven years ago. Looking back, God really provided. In that moment, when I made that sacrifice to submit and let him pursue this thing he felt like God was calling him to do, which was Breakaway at the time (it's so cool the way all of that was orchestrated), God honored my ambitions too.

For the working women in the room, you can work and also live in God's design as a wife at the same time. I have pursued my career for seven years. I'm proud of where my career is now. God provided all of these incredible opportunities as a result, really, in my mind, of making this decision to surrender that one thing to him. It is so cool the way he blesses those acts of obedience and submission when they're rooted in this pursuit of wanting to honor the Lord.

Kylen: You just said something that's really important, yet it's really easy for us to gloss over if we're not careful. Speaking still to the women in the room, if your man is self-led and not Spirit-led, you do not follow him. If he's not following God, then you do not follow him, because a lot of harm has been imposed on women in the name of this idea of submission.

If your man uses this verse or his role as the biblical leader of your one-day household to sexually exploit you or to diminish your voice or to control your life or to justify his laziness, get away from him. You don't spend any hour of time with that guy. You drop him like he's hot. You leave him at the door. You move on with your life, because he's not moving anywhere you want to go.

You don't want some guy who's going to beat his chest and bark orders because God told him he could do so. That's not what Paul describes in Ephesians 5. I've already read it. We won't look at it again. Where Paul gives the women 52 words of instruction on what it looks like to be a wife, he gives the men 104 words of instruction on what it means to be a husband. I'm not good at math, but 52 times two is 104. Literally, he uses double the words to help get it through our thick brains what it looks like to be a man. Ladies, you're going to have to tell us twice sometimes.

The reason Paul doubles down on it is this is not easy. The ladies think they have it hard because they have to put up with one of you jokers one day, but let me be really fair. If you're a man in the room, the standard for you is to love your wife as Christ loved the church. I would stand my ground and say that's far harder, because that requires so much of us that is so very outside the norm in human experience. So, let me tell you what it looks like to lay down your life, men.

First, husbands sacrifice. That's what he says. It says he gave himself up for her to make her fully alive. What does that mean? That means you lay down your life even when she doesn't deserve it. That's what Christ did. Christ went to the cross for a people who were not worthy of it at all, because love is sometimes a feeling, but it is always a choice to lay yourself down for the sake of the other person.

The second thing husbands have to know is we're called to protect. That's what Paul means when he gets to verse 26. He says, "…that he might sanctify her…" The Greek there for sanctify means to make pure or to make holy. So, you fight to protect your wife's holiness. You do everything in your power to protect it.

How do you do that? I'll give you a couple of examples. You pray for her. That's number one. Do you want to see the quality of a man's love for his wife? Then look to the quantity of prayers he prays for her. Before you spring to your feet and jump out to help, you'd better hit your knees, brothers. You pray for your wife.

You seek peace with her. Ephesians 4:26-27 says, "…do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil." So, when you're fighting with each other, because you inevitably will, the burden of responsibility falls upon you to get up off the couch, break the cold silence, lay down your defenses, and seek peace. "But it's not my fault. I didn't do anything." It's not your fault. It's your responsibility. That's what it is. So you, as a man, seek peace.

Lastly, you fight sin for her. I want you all to hear me. If you don't deal with the seeds of your sin today, you will deal with the fruit of your sin tomorrow, and so will your family. Shame on the man who sends his wife to fight his sin battle. No, you raise yourself up, you strengthen your knees, you gird your loins, you get some guys around you, and you make war on the very thing that's making war on you and on your family. You fight sin.

Then the third thing you do as you seek to sacrifice yourself, to lay down your life for your wife, is you provide for her. That's what he says. He says husbands love their wives as their own bodies, nourishing it and cherishing it, as Christ does the church. Jesus didn't just come to save us from sin; he came to save us into life. So you nourish her and cherish her. Nourish. You help her grow. And then cherish. You value her deeply.

First Thessalonians 2:7 says, "But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care…" That's the same word as cherishing. "…of her own children." Gentlemen, that's how you take care of your women. You be gentle and intentional. You make sure you nourish her, that you lead her to a place where she is thriving in Christ, even if it comes at great cost to yourself.

You see, the question at the heart of all women, because we've processed this, is "Am I valuable?" Godly husbands love their wives in such a way that it quiets that question from ever raising again. Does any of that sound easy? No. Because it's not, yet that's why we're talking to you about marriage tonight. You don't wait until you get married to figure it out then. You get started on it right now, here, in your single years.

You learn a love like Christ that would cross any distance to care for his beloved. Ephesians 5:31-33 says, "'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

Just as a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, so, too, did Jesus. Jesus left his Father to be united to his bride. He moved into earth from heaven above to reach you and me when we were not worthy. He came with a missional mentality. "I'll do anything to get them back."

That brings us to our third point: marriage is a mission. Marriage is not just inwardly oriented, where we gaze longingly into each other's eyes and lose ourselves forever. No. It's outwardly oriented, where we link arms together, set our gaze to the horizon, and run toward the causes of Christ. God created marriage for two reasons. For marital union, yes, but also for marital mission. Marriages are not just a metaphor for God's people; they're a mission to save God's world.

Brooke: So, let's talk about the Great Commission for a brief second. The point of it, the heart of it, is to go and make disciples. Our marriage should serve that same end. It should be a tool to accomplish the Great Commission. In fact, our marriages should do even more for the Great Commission. Even more than you can do as an individual, your marriage should serve even greater to that end. Building your home and growing that Pinterest board… I don't know if y'all do Pinterest boards anymore. I still do Pinterest boards.

Kylen: I have no idea. Never had one. Still don't.

Brooke: Building the picture-perfect house, how you're going to dress your kids one day, or building this private oasis for your house that's this private sanctuary away from the world… That's all fun, but it's not the point of marriage. Literally, our marriage is created to be on mission. Priscilla and Aquila… We're not going to read about them tonight, but they're in the Bible, and they are a married couple that do this so well.

They lead a house church in their home. They guide theological discussions with new believers. They move from city to city to grow the church. They help fund Paul's missionary journey. They are this example for us for a marriage being on mission. I am able to better minister to women because of Kylen. We don't have a house here in Dallas yet. We're still working on that. Blood, sweat, and tears are involved. But in Houston we did have a home, and I would have girls over for lunch, dinner, or whatever, and we'd be talking about dating, stuff that was going on in life, seasons they were in.

Kylen would oftentimes be in those conversations too, offering his advice, offering input from a man's perspective in a way that I can't. Kylen has also provided physical protection at times, honestly. There have been girls who have needed security and protection, and Kylen is able to do that in a way that I just can't. Also, Kylen is stronger than me. We've been able to move girls from apartment to apartment. I can't move a couch, but Kylen can. He's able to minister in that way that I cannot. Then vice versa.

Kylen: Gym bros are like, "I just got justified." The hard work…

Brooke: If you're moving couches, then yes.

Kylen: Moving that iron day after day.

Brooke: If you're ministering, then yes. On the flip side, on the men's side… The guys Kylen is ministering to… I mentioned earlier that, women, your words are so powerful. Even in this instance, I'm able to encourage guys and encourage them in their identity or things they're doing really well in a way that carries more weight sometimes coming from a female's perspective.

I'm able to give them a female's perspective on dating advice whenever they're struggling. I'm able to create a hospitable place for them to come into our home. That's what a lot of us girls are gifted at. I'm able to cook. Kylen can't cook. That's something only I can do. That's the way I'm able to help him minister to his guys. Your spouse should amplify your ministry and vice versa.

Kylen: God's plan for your marriage isn't just meant to be better between the two of you. The world is meant to be better because of the two of you. That's God's intent. When he created marriage in the garden, it wasn't just that one person was lonely so he decided to craft up another one and throw them together that they might have love.

Yes, there is deep delight in relationship to each other, but there's also immense purpose. He looked at him and was like, "Hey, man. I have a plan to save the world, a plan to bring my kingdom to bear, and it's going to come through this thing called family." Yet here's what we know, if you follow the story arc of the Bible: that first marriage utterly failed. The reason for it was they did not trust God's design; they trusted themselves.

In trusting themselves, not seeking the welfare of each other and the glory of God but seeking their own, not exercising a Christlike love but a self-seeking love… As they did so, what happened was they turned on God and turned on each other. But what you know, as you follow through the story of Scripture, is God never turned on them.

God, embodying perfect marriage by sending a groom to seek out a bride for himself, would ultimately take the mess we had made and make it beautiful again, for Christ stepped into our mess and made us clean. He ordered our affairs. He brought us close by way of his life, his death, and his resurrection.

As Christ came, he wasn't just a metaphor, but he was the literal manifestation of God's love, of the kind of love we described, that he would step in and lay down not just some of himself, not just a lot of himself, but all of himself. He gave himself ultimately, utterly, finally, and fully for the sake of the one he loved.

He would do so to the point that said, "I see you where you are, and I will come running through the corridors of time. I will lay my life low that you might be exalted on high as I myself rise." You see, Jesus came on mission for us to pursue his beloved, that as his beloved enjoys the depth of love that God himself gives, they might turn themselves in mission to the world and give that love to others also.

Friends, a relationship like this that enters the fray and doesn't run from it, that gives at all costs and doesn't reserve anything whatsoever, and loves for all eternity, not just for the temporary moment… That's a love like Christ's, and that's not a love you have to wait until marriage to find. That's a love you can have right now, for it's available in Christ should you place your faith in him. Let me pray that you would.

God, I'm so thankful for tonight. I'm just grateful, God, that we have marriage as a picture of the kind of love you have for us, that for an unworthy people, an underserving people, an unlovely people, you would chase us out to give us worth, to prove your choice and decision, and ultimately to love us with a love we'd never known.

God, it's so easy to get swept up in the sea of romance and relationships and love and miss the fact that all of this is pointing to something so much greater. God, our desire for meaningful relationship to someone else is just an echo of our desire for meaningful relationship to you. God, I don't know where my friends are tonight, if they have that kind of relationship to you, but I pray, before they consider any other relationship, they would consider that one.

A relationship with the God of the universe through the person of Jesus Christ who would live perfectly when we could not, would die sufficiently where we deserved to die ourselves, and would rise vindicating us of all our sin and proving the fact that, God, your love is unconquerable. Help us, God, to engage with you, the fount of all love, before we seek it anywhere else. We love you, and we sing to you now. It's in Christ's name, amen.

Hey, Porch, let's stand together if you would. I know we've run a little bit long. Thanks for being patient and hanging in there with us. We're going to respond with some worship, and my hope would be that you wouldn't race out the door but you would lean into this moment and realize the love of God we've been talking about tonight that's available to you in relationship is available to you right now. You can have it here in this moment.

God brought you into this space. Though you thought you were coming for whatever other reason, he brought you into this space so he could give that love to you now, so you could receive it, you could see it, and you could enjoy it. We have a team that's going to be coming down to the front. They'll be on my right and my left. They would love to pray and process with you.

Some of you… As I've spent time talking to young adults through my years, some of the greatest heartbreak, some of the deepest pain, is in the realm of lost love and broken relationship. Maybe you just need to come and talk about that with someone. We would love to visit with you about it. Others of you are just processing some of the things we discussed tonight. You see misgivings in your life that you need help with. Others, maybe you have questions about the person of Jesus. Come, talk with us, as we sing to our one true love.